I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
