I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
