I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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