I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You need Xanax blowdarts
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I deserve this hangover.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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