A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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