my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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