connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
