Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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