Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
