He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
