Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
