I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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