He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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