She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
