is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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