so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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