is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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