My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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