Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
