i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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