omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
