you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
