Sorry, I don't speak sober.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You are the jesus of drinking
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
