Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
