just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
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Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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