It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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