i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
