During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
