So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
