Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Houston, we have a squirter
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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