i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
