1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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