Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
