i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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