My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
