my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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