if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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