I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
