I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
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I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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