Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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