dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
