I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
