I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Randomize
