I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i was born a porn star she said
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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