I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
