apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
