Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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