Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
