woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
