Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
