Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
