my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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