You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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