I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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