cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
