THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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