Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
