I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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