I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
