just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You ruined the universe
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
