i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
