Your dad touched me again.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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