just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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